Two years. Two years during which we have lived through collective and individual trauma. For some, like for me, it has actually also been a new beginning, an opportunity to define new priorities and to articulate desires which had been previously been put in a box, labeled “naah”. I’ve been “doing music” for some time now and even though I still feel the need to hang on to the things of the past, I also feel like it’s time to dive into cold water and to try something new, something bold, something unexpected.

The objective here is not to please anyone else but me. I don’t know where all of this is going to take me, but I’m really excited that I get to do it, whatever this “it” turns out to be.

It all started with the MPC Mini MK2 and MPC Beats. I realised that I could play around with different elements of electronic music and it would sound ok. But, most importantly, the process itself, finding a beat, a synth, bass-line – well, it turns out that I was having the time of my life. And it also helped me come up with new song ideas for the band.

As of today (and here I do blame the pandemic) I own way too much gear and I don’t think I need it, nor do I understand all of it. But I learn and try and create everyday, one way or another and this gives me purpose and joy!

The virtual world out there is full of possibilities: there’s a YouTube channel or video for everything and for every gear (for which I am very grateful). But it can also make you feel a little inadequate… And the music business can be pretty ruthless…. So, I try to detach myself from that aspect and I’m sorely focusing on what brings me joy and on what satisfies me creatively (which undoubtedly and naturally comes with a lot of frustration too).

I’ve rarely been this productive in my life. It takes me back to a time when, as a very young person, I would have my creative space in my room, mostly at night, when the world was still. And the only reason to create was to create, to express myself, to get things out, to feel free and to be exhausted, not by the weight of the world but by the strenuous process of getting it all out: in a painting, in writing, in a song…

I am putting myself out there, step by step, slowly. Because I don’t want to lose this childlike manner I have right now, of discovering things, without thinking ahead. Being in the moment is so hard as an adult, but when I am in my creative zone, when I get to have a few minutes of creative expression per day, I feel like I can truly relax and exhale and I feel strong and capable. Of course, that feeling of self-assurance doesn’t last long, I am anxiety-ridden most of the time and have been all my life. And so, the opinion of others and pleasing others has always been very important to me. But that can be a trap and it’s difficult to get out of there. So now, I’m trying to please myself (well, you know what I mean)…

So, let’s see where all of this takes me. I’m looking forward to it. The world can be a shitty place, so we should focus on what makes living worthwhile.

Here’s what I have mostly been doing so far, as a singer-songwriter: IRINA

And here’s where I am right now – experimenting: erginzhol

Be kind, always!

Cheers,

Irina